life

set me free into sweet misery

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 09:20:47 GMT

Do you really want to know
tell me
tell me
can you feel me letting go
slowly
i'm scared to
fall into you

but i want to
feel you touch you know you
and i want to
so i let you set me free
into sweet misery
sweet misery

there's a hunger do you know
feed me
feed me
it's getting harder not to show
free me
i'm scared to
fall into you

why you always try to see
through me

new blog!

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 03:41:55 GMT

I made a music blog. Ch-check it out :-)

radiochambeau

guess who walked the runway last night?!

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 12:30:50 GMT

That was seriously one of the most exciting events of my life! craziness everywhere! Boston Fashion Week is now officially over and I got to walk in one of the runway shows wearing a couture gown... wow. I will be sure to post pictures as soon as I get them! The lights were so bright and everyone was clapping and I felt like I was floating on a cloud I was so happy. My boyfriend was there and he said I looked stunning and walked flawlessly which made me incredibly proud because I was a bit nervous! Ahhh!

UPDATE!!!

You can just barely see me, I'm the fifth girl in line...

Here I'm the second girl in the black dress with green feathers for eyebrows (very couture eh?!)

so fun!

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 08:27:29 GMT

sooooooo tonight i have a fitting with a designer and might get to walk a runway show at boston fashion week!!!! i can't even sleep i'm so freakin excited!!!!! OMG

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 03:22:57 GMT

i am beyond happy. sigh :-)

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 00:50:10 GMT

you know i've spent all these years being bisexual but... the longer i continue dating men, the more i'm starting to believe my best relationships are with women. sexuality confuses me more and more as i get older. i appreciate qualities embodied by both genders but can't quite seem to find someone who can bring them ALL together in one delightful package. maybe i could find a feminine man? or a slightly masculine woman? who knows!

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:44:09 GMT

I am so sick and tired of being in this war with my body. I just want to be tiny - why is that so hard for other people to understand? They say I look fine the way I am but I just don't believe it. Instead I hide from the people I love and refuse to wear anything that might show my body shape. My boyfriend complains because my clothes are falling off me and my hipbones poke out too much and I look too skinny... I don't care. He's overreacting and so is everyone else. I admit it. I'm not ok. I am far from okay.

some girls go blond...

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 20:07:58 GMT

... i go pink!!!

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 04:44:19 GMT

i am eating like a normal person. my metabolism is shot to hell and i've been putting on weight i swear to god. i could not be more pissed off. i've been acting like such an asshole and when i'm happy i'm faking it. i hate being such a good actress.

some day...

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 18:48:05 GMT

honestly sometimes i wonder why i am in this family. not that i dislike them, they are nice people, but i feel like i don't fit in.

i feel like a character in a movie that was cast incorrectly. or maybe i'm just in the wrong movie altogether. except it's not as funny as i make it sound, i'm always the one getting in trouble, going to therapy, being bipolar, developing anorexia, everything about me is just fucked up and here i am in this nice little family where everyone else is just dandy, so my faults just look that much worse.

this must all sound terribly self-deprecating but really i'm just confused. what is my purpose here? what role was i cast to fill and can i break out of the "black sheep" role that i've been feeling for so long? more importantly why should i have to feel that way?

i am pretty happy being the way i am, but they want me to change. a lot. i don't think it's right. i don't think i'm on a self-destructive path but my parents keep trying to convince me that i am. i swear to god they drive me to disobey them by enforcing such ridiculous rules. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy that i can't seem to break out of. they spend so much energy trying to reign me in that i can't help but want to break free. some day...

i am on cloud nine

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 17:03:01 GMT

so for anyone wondering how my date went last night...

sofa.king.awesome.

i didn't even bother to come home last night. my parents were so pissed they took away my cell phone. and i don't even care. that's how happy i am right now :-D

i think i'm in love *bats eyelashes and sighs dramatically*

omg drools

yay!!

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 22:36:05 GMT

HOLY SHIT I HAVE A DATE!!!!!!!!!

weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

RIP KELLY

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:02:51 GMT

one of my best friends from rehab died monday in a car accident.

i'm really upset. i also want EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU TO KNOW that i love you very much and want you all to be safe.

love,
anastasia

john henry was a railroad man

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 23:11:23 GMT

alright i'm trying to stop moping around and pitying myself all the time. being bigger than i used to be has a lot of benefits. like.... WEILDING A PICK-AX!

i've been digging trenches throughout the yard to install an in-ground sprinkler system for my parents. talk about a cheap way to feel hella buff hahahaha. and physical activity increases endorphins which should cure my blues. the hair stays blue regardless of how i feel though ;-)

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 18:18:14 GMT

i hate recovery.

i miss being skinny
and i miss being pretty.

i hate that i cry myself to sleep.

another poem

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 20:41:51 GMT

this one scared me a little bit after i finished it, so i'm putting it behind a cut.

One More

one cut to make you understand
two more, to everything that didn’t go as planned
three more so they’ll bleed just enough
four more because that’s never enough
another as I start to feel light-headed
and one more
to regain my strength
just this
last one
to let me feel tough
one more I swear
before I give it up
just
one more
because I don’t
feel done
a few more
as you start to run
slash
right
and
left
as you make that call
I can’t even count them
fuck you all
fuck you
give
me
back
my
life
FUCK
YOU
GIVE
ME
BACK
THAT
KNIFE

and before anyone gets nervous and asks - no. i didn't cut. i'm ok.

poem

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 21:38:41 GMT

i decided that in lieu of doing anything self-destructive when i get upset, i'd write poetry instead. because self-destruction is bad, and though poetry can be bad too, at least it's relatively harmless right?

so damn perfect
I’ve seen it before
and I’ll see it again
perfection from the start
nobody knows how hard you try

you try so hard
no one knows that you cry
you try so hard
no one knows when you lie
because you’re so damn perfect

but I can see you when you crawl
and I see how much you bleed
perfection is an art

and you cry so hard
no one knows you at all
I know how much you lie
but you’re so damn perfect

I’ve seen it before
and they’re seeing it now
perfection from the start
no one knew how hard you tried

so perfect no one knew that you’d fall
so perfect no one even knew you at all

but I knew
and you were so damn beautiful.

i am in love with my new icon

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 19:55:59 GMT

no seriously. i laugh every time i see it.

that is all.

distress

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 15:34:26 GMT

sooo yesterday... i went to the doctor and found out not only am i anemic (lack of iron in the diet, which can make you really tired, cranky and depressed) but from throwing up my food so much i've damaged a couple internal organs. pancreas and liver i believe. still not sure how bad the damage is, i'm getting more tests done and should find out soon :-/ but i'm really scared and i can't believe i'm 21 years old and i already messed with myself this badly. seriously this is one of those "i never thought it could happen to me" moments. i just hope it's something i can fix.

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 23:41:25 GMT

i got a haircut today and here's a better picture of the blue tips. my hairdresser just shook her head at me hahahahahaha :-)

painting!

Thu, 31 May 2007 17:29:25 GMT

WELL my parents (and i) have decided that a good way to alleviate my depression and listlessness caused by being at home all the time i should take up a hobby. i suggested competitive drinking but alas that didn't go over :-(

so instead... painting! i was really into painting in high school and i wouldn't go so far as to say i was any good at it but at least i enjoyed it right?

so here's an example of a painting i did in highschool:

and here's the (kinda shitty) colored sketch i drew up today for the painting i want to start working on:

i've been debating whether to switch the word "damn" with something a little more provocative like "bitch" or "cunt". i know my parents would shake their heads but what can i say i like to keep things edgy.

p.s. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED ON MY LAST ENTRY it made me feel very loved :-)

Wed, 30 May 2007 18:38:31 GMT

boredom = blue hair lol

went to the lakehouse with the fam for the weekend. cell phone is still mia. god is there anything to do in this town i feel like i'm going nutty!

Fri, 18 May 2007 18:02:32 GMT

i never thought i'd be able to sit at a bar and say "i just got out of rehab. cheers!"

but i got to last night! christ isn't that horrible? granted, i was in rehab for anorexia, not for alcoholism, but that comment was definitely a conversation starter.

i've missed everyone. who's still around??

hi.

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 14:13:28 GMT

just wanted to let everyone know that yes. i am ok. for the first time in a long time- i'm actually ok.

:-)

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 00:14:30 GMT

When I looked at him I saw everything I wanted. I wanted a chase. I wanted a challenge. I wanted flirtation- to feel like a predator. I wanted obsession- late night craving without satisfaction. I wanted temptation and intrigue. I wanted to pursue, to kindle and encourage affection until it was stronger than my own. I wanted him to long for me. I wanted to go after him knowing the outcome from the moment I introduced myself. I wanted to lead him on from the very beginning. I wanted to tease him with no intention of ever following through. I wanted to make him think he had a chance when all he had was purposefully misleading half-truths. I wanted to be deliberate and malicious. I wanted to make him hunger for my attention while knowing I would never treat him as well as he should be. I wanted to make him love me knowing that I would only break his heart. I wanted to crush his dreams.

When I was writing that piece in my notebook I automatically considered it fiction. When I decided to type it here so you all could read it- I still thought it was fiction. I was going to caution, in this footnote, against trying to apply this writing to my life since I was still convinced it was fiction. Somewhere in the middle of physically typing those words - naturally correcting and internalizing it - I realised, haha stupid stacia, it's not fictional. Rarely do I write a piece without being able to claim some aspect of it as autobiographical. I both envy and am skeptical of writers who claim they can create a piece that is entirely seperate from themselves.

Strong feelings are my best inspiration, and I was inspired to write this by a stranger I saw on the street. He didn't say anything to me, nor I to him. But something about the way we looked at each other made me shudder with a resentful and vengeful anger I hadn't felt in a long, long time.